Disclaimer: 

This is the first time I am publicly sharing most of my story. I'm going to be telling you things that a majority of my family doesn't even know about me. I've always been very reluctant and nervous to share my story with anyone close to me. I guess it was a fear of feeling vulnerable and shameful. I was afraid that people wouldn't accept me if they knew what was hiding behind my smile. 

 

I don’t want my family to feel like they caused any of this or failed me in any way. If I wouldn’t have experienced some of this, I wouldn't be where I am or have the faith I have today. After years of therapy and healing, I'm finally okay with my past. If sharing my story helps even one person then going through all that pain was worth it. So, if I have never verbally told you the following and you would like to know more, please reach out to me. I'm more than willing to share it all with you. Love, Janet.

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I’ve been struggling for the past few weeks with what parts of my story to share with you and what parts to leave out so this doesn’t turn into a script for a Lifetime movie. I have been through a lot in my life. I am an overcomer and a survivor.  Whatever you are going though in this season of life, please know you are not alone. Someone else has gone through what you are going through and they have survived. You can too. All you need to do is reach out and ask for help.

 

When I was 14 I met and dated a 22-year-old man. I’ll just let that sink in for a moment. I met him at the local YMCA where I played after school and where he worked. Of course I didn’t tell my parents about him for a while. I can’t even remember how it came up or how I did tell them, but he met my family and charmed them. He convinced them (and me) that he was in this for all the right reasons and that he loved me and wanted to marry me. Now I realize all the ways he took advantage of me. He was a great con artist; I never even saw it coming or had a chance. He used the Bible to manipulate me. He made me feel like what we were doing was the right thing and that God had placed us together. He told me fairy tales of the future; we would marry and have a family. I was so young and so naive that I fell for it all.  He went away to college and we kept in touch. Since we didn’t have the internet or cell phones back then, we wrote lots of letters and spent long nights on the phone racking up a long distance phone bill. We eventually grew apart and he got married and had a family with someone else, but he always told me he wanted to come back for me. He would call me and even visit me behind her back. He kept me hanging on. He made it seem like his wife was a horrible person, and that he would eventually leave her for me. This relationship set me up for failure and unrealistic manipulated expectations. It caused me a lot of mental pain and trauma and made me feel like I would never be loved.

 

After high school I moved from the Midwest out to the East Coast. I lived on my own, got a job, and met new friends. I drank and partied and made some absolutely horrible decisions. I found attention in men when and wherever I could. I was looking to fill some sort of void. I just wanted to be wanted, needed, and loved. I was trying to find my worth in what men thought of me. My self-esteem had plummeted, and I doubted myself a lot. When I would meet a good, decent guy I would sabotage the relationship because I felt like I didn’t deserve him. I gained weight and never felt good enough or smart enough. 

 

I ended up in a relationship for 7 years. 7 long years. He was great… when he wasn’t drinking. When he drank he was mean, verbally abusive, and he took his anger out on me. Everyone else saw him as this fun amazing guy, but at home behind closed door, he was a different person. He lied, he was addicted to porn, and he cheated on me. He did things that I can’t even bring myself to say out loud because they are so bad you would think I was making them up. I covered it all up to make it seem like we had this amazing life. My self-esteem was so low that I didn’t think anyone else would want me so I stayed with him thinking it was better to be with someone than to be alone. I ended up hiring a personal trainer and started to lose weight. That seemed to bother him and he tried to sabotage my efforts. He brought home food he knew I couldn’t eat, he would throw out my meal plans, and he would make fun of the workouts the trainer had me doing. But I persisted, lost 30 pounds, and had enough so I broke up with him. My self-esteem was still so low that I ended up falling right into another relationship.

 

This guy made me move in with him right away as a way to get away from my ex. He was charming and wonderful. He was so sweet and nice to me. He opened the car door, sent me flowers at work, and told me I was beautiful all the time. Then he snapped. He became controlling, watching every move I made. He checked my phone every night to see who I called or texted that day and questioned everything I did. He put a tracking app on my phone, made me get rid of all my friends, and limited my contact with my family. He would never let me be alone except when I went to work. I had to call him when I left for work, when I got there, and again when I got home. I couldn’t run errands or go anywhere by myself. I was a prisoner and a slave in his home. He made me lists of things to do and if I didn’t get them done or do them to his liking I would get in trouble. The verbal abuse turned into physical and sexual abuse. He took over all my bills, my cell phone, my car title, my bank account, everything. I felt hopeless and lost.

 

Then came that one morning… After I thought he had left for work, I checked Facebook on my phone and smiled at a picture that a friend had commented on. Almost instantly I got a text message from him saying “what are you smiling at?” I froze. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. Where was he? I was too scared to move. I kept thinking does he have video surveillance on me? Then I looked over in the dark hallway and there he was, standing there, glaring at me. I took a breath and said “Oh, hi. I thought you left for work…” Before I knew it he snatched the phone out of my hand and started to abuse me. Everything from there is a blur. I’ve never been so terrified in my whole life. He finally stopped and left for work again. As he walked out the door he said, “Stay here, do not leave the house today. I’m not finished with you.” I will never forget those words. Ever. I knew if I stayed there that when he came home he was going to kill me. I sat there frozen, crying, not knowing what to do. I was scared to use my phone because I thought maybe he could tell if I was calling or texting someone, but I HAD to do something. I called a lady that I worked with, but she didn’t answer so I left her a voicemail. I’m pretty sure all I said was “I need help.” She called me back immediately and told me to start packing. She came over with a truck, boxes, and another friend. We started packing up my stuff, but in the middle of packing I broke down and started crying. I was too scared to leave and scared he would find me. My friend stopped packing, hugged me, and prayed for me. Everything seemed very still and calm. I looked up and knew I needed to move home, I needed to go home to my mom. I knew he wouldn’t follow me there. We rented a U-Haul and attached my car to the back. I started my way back home to my mom’s in the Midwest. I made it there in 2 days by myself. I was safe.  

 

Fast Forward a few months… I moved in with my cousins, started going to church regularly, got a job, joined a bible study, was baptized, began counseling, and met an amazing man who I married 10 months later… crazy right? I continued to get counseling and my hubby helped me though a lot of the healing and pain. He is such a patient, loving, kind soul. No one else would have been able to handle me!